I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The adults are the big ones right?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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