I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
