if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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