I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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