had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
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That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"