okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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