got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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