Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
