The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
