I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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