Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
