FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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