Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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