Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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