it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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