if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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