god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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