i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
