end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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