I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
