I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
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She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
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I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.