Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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