Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
