i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
