I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Randomize
