you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
