i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
