she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
