as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
