it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
nutella sex= disaster
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
