Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
