his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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