I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
