if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They are going to name an STD after you.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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