Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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