You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
