god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
