onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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