i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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