I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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