Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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