You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
