I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
