Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
