Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
