Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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