I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
