Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
