running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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