i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
