dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
