remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
