Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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