I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
