we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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