my room smells like sperm. sweet.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
