Have you finally orgasmed yet?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
