I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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