nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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